Jessica Williams, Our Close Friend
"Jessica Williams, Our Close Friend" is the forty-sixth episode of Hollywood Handbook. Official Earwolf Page Earwolf Synopsis Sean and Hayes memorialize their friend Robin with a good story and have some bones to pick with how people online are expressing themselves. Then they talk about the controversial Let’s Be Cops and some of Sean’s own experiences with cops. Finally, JESSICA WILLIAMS is around to discuss the big stories from the news and answer Popcorn Gallery questions about the word “news,” being Native American, and her large arms. Notes & Memorable Quotes Pre-Guest Segment *Sean talking over the theme: "So now she's getting in MY face and goes, 'No, I'm Iggie Azalea, that's Nickie Minaj' and I go, 'I don't care if you're the freaking Taj Mahal that's my parking spot!' and I smashed her windshield with a little rock hammer I had in my hand" (Sean was geocaching that's why he was there, the geocache was gems) *The boys open up the episode to talk about Robin Williams, and Sean has a story that contributes more than just saying 'boohoo.' Sean remembers how when Robin was just starting out as a kid around age 13 he was a beat reporter for Entertainment Weekly (probably) he was just starting out with his little notepad. Anyway Sean and him were at the Miramax Oscar after-party and Sean has won yet again and he has an armload of booty to take home (back when he actually bothered to take them home, not just leave them with the valet). Robin comes up to Sean with his little notepad ready to ask him questions, standard boilerplate stuff: "Are you happy you won, do you like winning, don't the losers look foolish now?" And while Sean answered these questions he kinda taught Robin how to be funny in the meantime (told him to reference things and do his accents) *Sean then remembers seeing Robin really take in what he taught him and learning to be funny and whatnot, and as he was walking away Sean looks at him and says, "Hey kid, don't you wanna hold it?" and he stopped and he went, "Oh boy are you serious mistah?" and I said, "Once in a lifetime chance, kid," so I hand him the Oscar, and it's almost the size of him, almost knocks him over and he goes "oh boy, you know I know it's a cliché but uh, geez this sure is heavy sir" and I looked at him and I went... "as it should be, don't you think?" and Sean let him keep that Oscar. So really when people say Oscar winning about Robin Williams, it's actually more like Oscar getting. He won it by being in the right place at the right time which was near Sean while he was in a good mood. *Hayes talk about how it's very selfish how everyone is saying they're (rightly) upset, but for the wrong reasons. They're all upset that it's ruining their day and they don't get to watch any more Crazy Ones. They're mad at Robin for taking their favorite show away. It's not really fair. You shouldn't only focus on what's going on with him, but that for better or worse this man had an entire catalog of cinema movies. Hayes and Sean want to talk about that. Can Sean PLEASE just see someone's profile pic on Facebook change to a picture of them in a green room with Robin! Also, when you bring up Robin Williams online, it's gotta make Sarah Michelle Geller feel bad, I mean that's her dad. *Hayes and Sean give a big 'Nano-nano' to their friend Robin *Hayes and Sean then talk about movies, Guardians did very well, Turtles did very well, but there seems to be some backlash about this movie Let's Be Cops ''people seem to be taking a political stance on it. Sean is of two minds with this film on one hand Sean likes to laugh and have fun, on the other hand it's a bit cynical and jaded that they assembled this movie in about 4 days regarding the police-cop stuff that's been going on, the whole Ferguson business. Hayes talks about how the people who made this movie got together and decided it's not really fair what people are saying about cops right now, because cops is funny, and now people is saying cops isn't funny. Let's do this 4 day movie and then people will start to wants to be cops again. He was maybe even of three or four minds about it. *Hayes talks about how Sean is coming from a place of mind where he doesn't want to be a cop ever. Sean then tells a story about how when he was a teenager he beat up a cop. He beat him up so bad, that they basically said, "Well, do you wanna be a cop now? Obviously we shouldn't have this guy out here trying to arrest people. Let's get him on our side." Sean was doing his speeding and listening to his rock music too loud when this old man pulled him over, wanted to shake Sean down, but he got a nasty surprise when he got a surprise in the shape of an uppercut right to his chin and knocked his head clean off his body. This may have undermined his faith in cops, they were his heroes, and here he is beating them up! It made Sean realize that police cops isn't always good guys because this guy is being a mean guy, and he got what he deserved. It also made Sean feel -- Is cops really as strong what we say? *Hayes goes on to correct the myth that cops is so strong. Sean wants to be thought of as strong, because he's strong not because he has cop clothes on. It's an unfortunate truth that cops clothes doesn't give you super strength, and you can just ask Officer Timsley who, unfortunately no longer has a head on his body (from the one big punch). It was a seated punch from inside of a convertible. Separated his spine with a big left hook. The cop leaned over and said "Now you turn down that durn music and don't let that Axl Rose poison your brain, he's singin' bout the devil!" And Sean said "Religion causes most of the wars in the world, sir." The officer said "Well, I'm on the front lines of the war of you bein' a juvenile delinquent!" This set Sean off, he punched his head clean off his body! It landed in Nebraska, and this happened in Utah! It was all the news in Nebraska: "Cop Head Washes Ashore." Guest Segment *Hayes talking over the theme: "So the bed bugs man comes in and I said, 'Yes, these are the bed bugs, I'd like you to get rid of them' and he says, 'Well that looks like Ellen Page and Merrill Wilson" and I'm like 'Yeah! I'd like you to get rid of them!'" (The bed bug man then sprayed them and they shriveled up and were gone) *Jessica is very, very young and the boys have been following her career *Hayes and Sean first met Jessica at the Anti-bullying outreach where they would go around destroying bullies and make bullies feel this big (listeners at home, Sean is indicating with his fingers a very small size) they really changed a lot of lives. This bullying thing has become a real problem, and what they need is strong celebrities going around and beating up bullies. And protecting nerds *Hayes and Sean introduce themselves to Jessica as big nerds. (She wouldn't know just by looking at them, because they have big muscles) but they're actually big nerds who like comic books *Nerds need protecting from bullies, because they aren't confident enough and they're not putting themselves out there in a big way. *Jessica asks Hayes and Sean what they're nerdy about and Hayes talks about how they love to look at Star Wars. Sean will often think 'good, that is what space would do' some people watch it but they don't know just how accurate it really is *Hayes asks Jessica if she ever reads science books before and she says she doesn't read science books or history books. She mainly just reads Wikipedia, and reddit, some subreddits. Hayes and Sean tell her those are very funny books *Jessica is from the Daily Show with that one host, and Hayes asks if he can fan out real quick for a second and asks what Kilborn is like when he's not doing the show. Does he ask her the five questions? Jessica tells them that he's been gone for about 8 years and she doesn't think he's coming back. Sean was under the impression he was just under an extended Moment of Zen and he'd be back *Hayes and Sean are major news junkies and they want to talk to Jessica about intelligent pieces of news that they can't talk about with all these other thick-headed pea-brains people in Hollywood. * They like to keep engineer Cody behind a sneeze shield because they don't want to catch ebola from him. He's been sneezing like a fool for the past few weeks. They have plenty of hand sanitizer out for Cody to drink -- which he loves. It's his little ba-ba. *Sean and Hayes loove New York, they're obsessed with it. The last time Hayes and Sean were in New York was the Summer of Sam where he was killing everybody! They'd check out the New York Dolls. Even punk rockers like Hayes and Sean weren't safe they were big in the punk scene at that time (punks and nerds) *You gotta find time to sit back and laugh in between all the murder nowadays *Sean brings up Linsanity! They're still going through it. Those who forget history are doomed to repeat it. The #linsanity hashtag is still pretty active *Hayes and Sean explain hashtags to those of us who don't have smartphones. It's like this crazy little funky little symbol you'd see on a brand, like something on a cows butt, but Hayes and Sean use it on their phones! *Hayes and Sean talk about Ferguson. Jessica will have a special perspective on the subject.. because she works in late night television. And for those of us who live under a rock Sean explains that basically what's happening is Craig Ferguson is stepping down and people in the south aren't happy about it so there's been riots. *Hayes and Sean are in the same 25-60 age generation as Jessica * The Harry Potter books really make her love owls and Sean goes on to say traditionally scary things don't have to be scary all the time! Much like Ferguson with his skellington, it doesn't have to be scary, I mean we all have one, doesn't matter if you're a funny guy, nice guy, or nerd guys, when you take all that mess away you still have a skellington in there. They discuss the little baby shoe from ''Who Framed Roger Rabbit? ''Hayes thinks Judge Doom might secretly be a cartoon under there! Sean doesn't want to get into these conspiracy theories *Jessica was named after Jessica Rabbit but after the whole Robin Williams situation she changed her last name to honor him *Sean and Hayes love Broadway, and are looking forward to the show ''Accepted! based off the movie *Hayes, Sean, and Jessica then talk about animal ghosts, and how there's actually a ghost of the bear in the studio right now. One huge one and one small one. Hayes screams! But he's a nice bear. The mom bear was murdered. Jessica mentions how it's actually true that the mom bear was murdered on the California flag, and Sean corrects her to say when she says things like that's actually true, it makes it seem like things on this show aren't all true. Which of course it is *When a ghost is following you around it's the duty of Native Americans to find out why they're so restless, and put them to peace. Sean mentions how he's a couple months older than Jessica so he has some experience in this regard, all you need to do is sometimes stand in the river and swat at a big salmon, and if you get a good whack on one, the bear will be put to rest usually. You can feed the bears a salmon ghost. Jessica talks about how Sean is sort of generalizing right now, and Sean corrects himself to say that there are the honey bears and for those you want to scratch your back against a big ol' tree and give it a good itchy and the bear will go to sleep *Jessica says she has found that if you get naked put on a red t-shirt that sits just above your belly button, and find a tiny little pig and speak to it, and that'll make a bear go away sometimes. Jessica talks about how every bear is different, but Sean corrects her to saying that he thinks that's only one bear, a very specific bear. Hayes doesn't want to butt in to which Sean and Jessica tell him he can't he doesn't understand anyway because he doesn't see ghost bears *Hayes and Sean thank Jessica for telling them she's mostly black, because they don't see race or gender so they didn't even notice. *Sean has been hypnotized to forget the performance of the Joker in those Batman movies, because he didn't sleep for over a month in a half after seeing those movies. Even saying a poster or trailer is very dangerous to Sean. *Jessica talks about how she was born with such large arms that she was able to crawl out and grab the doctors hand when being born she even sprained the doctors wrist that morning. Hayes and Sean were both born with small arms but they worked hard and became very swoll. They live in the gym. *Cody then left the room probably to barf, and Sean talks about how annoying it is that he's been sick all the time. His insides are burning up, from all the ba-ba he has to drink. His organs are mushed. *Talk to Hayes and Sean on the forums and they'll give advice on how to get a girlfriend, Hayes and Sean have had many girlfriends in the past, and they agree the best place to get on is an internet forum for a podcast Recurring Segments * Popcorn Gallery - introduced w/ Tim Treese's Theme *# TheloniousJunk - "Jessica Williams, why is it called news when all the stories has already happened? I mean 'new' is right there in the word but it's actually is old" *#* News means a couple of different things, it actually means the content of information. they couldn't call it informationies so they called it news instead *# Asteck - "Jessica your Twitter profile states that you are part Native American, so do you find it offensive when people refer to you as a 'trailblazer?'" *#* Jessica does find it offensive, it really hurts when people call her a trailblazer or when she watched Pocohantas. ''Jessica is one-eigtheenth Native American *#Burdrulz - "Jessica, Summer is ending, in the hot sunny times that is Summer do you prefer to have your 'guns out' or your 'buns out?'" *#*Definitely guns. Since she's One eighteenth Native American the other seventeenth is actually black. She was more born into her guns so she likes to work on them. * Pro Version - Rod aug - He wins a piece of news that people didn't read in all the headlines. Kendall Jenner had a fling with a waitress at a restaurant. People say that the diner was Rod aug's favorite diner, and the waitress was his girlfriend Recurring Jokes * Controversial Sean - When the cop pulled Sean over he came to the window and he said, "Now you turn down that dern music, and don't let that dern Axle Rose poison your brain he's singing about the Devil!" To which Sean replied, "Well religion causes most of the wars in the world sir" and the cop replied "Well I'm on the front lines of the war against you being a juvenile delinquent!" and so Sean punched his head clean off his body. *Nerds - Several conversations talking about nerds, and how nerdy Hayes and Sean are at the beginning of the Guest Segment **Comic Books - Hayes and Sean are big nerds who like comic books ***Hashtags can be used to replace an expletive like in a comic book, like ''X-men *Politics - Jessica begins to talk about the world health organization and the ebola outbreak, and Hayes and Sean talk about how the president should be unpresidented because he's letting the ebola spread. And isn't it ironic that the president was born in Africa and now they have a disease from Africa (Sean doesn't have it because he washes his hands) *Too Scary - All this Ferguson stuff is scary, not knowing if there will be a good replacement to Craig Ferguson stepping down. **Craig Ferguson used to have a skellington that wasn't scary or spooky which is so nice to see. Hayes, Sean, and Jessica then all talk about how they don't like things that are too scary like Ghosts, monsters, Halloween decorations or Frankingsteins! Who comes up with this!? ***Speak on That - Sometimes it can even be an owl that's scary. Hayes asks Jessica to speak on that to which she says Owls are interesting and she has a love-hate relationship with them. ***The Joker from the Dark Knight series of movies is so scary to both Hayes and Sean *Harry Potter - Jessica learned she likes owl from this series of books. These books touched her at such a young age. *Show Won't Take a Stance - It's not the place of the show to say whether Judge Doom was a cartoon deep down *Speak on That - Hayes and Sean ask Jessica to speak on if funny music is enough to have your own TV show - Absolutely. *Mark - A lot of his sound drops lately have been about going on some kind of adventure. Later Mark pulls out Obama's birth certificate from the bag, and Hayes doesn't really like the direction it's going. Mark finally discoveres that the certificate isn't even real, it's peeling off! and it's actually the birth certificate for Osama bin Laden! (you would think if you were gonna fake it you'd just use a blank sheet of paper instead of someone who is nefarious) Wonder what Mark knows that everyone else doesn't *One Eighth Native American - Sean relates to Jessica about her struggles being Native American. He hardly ever brings up the topic (this is only the 13th mention) because he doesn't want to make people feel uncomfortable. It's one of Sean's problems, he's a real people pleaser. He doesn't want to make people realize that they don't understand the earth the same way Sean does. Ads *Earwolfman Jack - Repeat from last week promoting Hollywood Handbook opening for Who Charted down at Molly Malone's on August 19th, doors at 7:30 P, show at 8:30 P-- PM that is! Aw-aw-a-wooo! Episode Photos IMG_7605.jpg|''(left to right)'' Hayes Davenport, Jessica Williams, Sean Clements IMG_7596.jpg|Hayes, and Jessica Williams in the studio IMG_7600.jpg|Jessica Williams in the studio Jessica Williams, Our Close Friend